Lesson 3: Intimacy

 

Lesson 3 - Intimacy

 

Follow up: Communication Activity

Before continuing, we want to see how the communication log activity went that we started in lesson 1!

How do you feel about your interactions with your spouse over the 10 days?

Were you able to have a meaningful discussion about your results? If not, we invite you to take a few minutes and do this now. Be honest and respectful, as well as willing to accept responsibility for your own words and actions. This conversation is meant to help you improve your ability to communicate, not to point fingers or blame. Now, if you haven't already, take a second to make those goals. Each of you should make at least one personal communication goal, and then you should have at least one goal to work on as a couple. We hope that you will really make these goals a priority, as they will help you and your partner better your ability to communicate.

Follow Up: Lesson 2

In the last lesson we learned about conflict resolution and how to be more effective in our communicating skills. Were you able to complete the worksheets? We would like you to reflect again on how that went. The tips at the end of the worksheet are extremely helpful for resolving conflict without sounding accusatory or confrontational. If you need to, print them out and stick them somewhere you will see them often, so you can remember them.

This Week’s Lesson

This lesson we will talk about intimacy and how communication is so important for our intimate lives to be fulfilling. (Note, this lesson focuses on emotional intimacy, not sexual intimacy)

Is it hard to be intimate when you feel like you are not in sync with your partner?  

When you feel like they don’t hear you or understand you or listen to you? 

Communication is a huge part of being intimate.  To be intimate you have to give your whole self to another person.  For this to happen, there must be complete trust and vulnerability.  “While the key to success in both personal and professional relationships lies in your ability to communicate well, it’s not the words that you use but your nonverbal cues or “body language” that speak the loudest. Body language is the use of physical behavior, expressions, and mannerisms to communicate nonverbally, often done instinctively rather than consciously” (Segal, 2021).

We communicate in many different ways, not just through talking.  We make facial expressions and gestures, we can text or talk on the phone, we can have physical contact like hugging or holding hands.  We can do many things throughout the day that communicate to our partner the way we feel and the way we make them feel.  If you are like most couples, you sometimes struggle to effectively communicate.  The following are some suggestions to work on to improve your communication skills with your partner:

●      Spend time together where you both put down your phones.

●      Have an at-home date night where you focus on each other.

●      Use creative conversation starters to talk about something other than your day. (You can use the questions activity from the first lesson)

●      Really listen to your spouse when they are talking and work on reading their non-verbal cues.

●      Do a project that requires you to work together to accomplish it.

●      Look in your spouse’s eyes while you talk.

●      Find a way to communicate to your spouse through an action.

●      Have conversations when your children go to bed so that you can talk without interruption.

        “Your nonverbal communication cues—the way you listen, look, move, and react—tell the person you’re communicating with whether or not you care, if you’re being truthful, and how well you’re listening. When your nonverbal signals match up with the words you’re saying, they increase trust, clarity, and rapport. When they don’t, they can generate tension, mistrust, and confusion” (Segal et.al, 2021).

Communication to Encourage Intimacy

            It may be hard to feel intimate when you and your partner are in the midst of a conflict. This is why effective communication is so important! The graphic below shows the variations in communication. While you study it, think about how each type of communication can be helpful or hurtful to your intimacy with your partner.

          There have been studies done on which of these communication types will cause the most harm to an intimate relationship. The findings may actually be contrary to our immediate perceptions. It has been shown that reactions in the direct opposition box are the best in relatively serious relationship problems, while reactions in the indirect communication box may be ineffective at actually motivating change and resolving problems. (Overall & McNulty, 2017) However, this may not always be the case. If your partner tends to get defensive, direct opposition may cause more harm than good. If your conflict is relatively minor and something that, in the long term, may not seem that important, indirect cooperation may be the way to go.     

        Using the worksheet presented in Lesson 2 may be effective at helping you figure out whether your conflict really is as important or terrible as it seems at the time, and can help you calm down enough to decide which type of communication will be best, rather than lashing out. While it may seem tedious to do at the moment, eventually it will become second nature to pause and take a step back before attempting to resolve your conflicts. Being conscientious in your communications with your partner will help you to increase your levels of emotional intimacy.
Emotional Support vs the “Fix-it” Method
        The following video is a humorous look at how men and women communicate differently and how his intent listening and responding to her finally leads to her feeling valued and understood. While watching, take note of what the woman is saying she needs, but how her husband responds.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
        While there are many different kinds of communication, this video highlights two overarching methods: The “fix-it” method and the “emotional support” method. Originally, the wife was asking for emotional support while the husband was trying to fix the problem, and the wife was only getting more and more exasperated. However, when the husband changed his approach and agreed to just listen, the wife felt validated and feelings of emotional intimacy and closeness were apparent. While these approaches are not necessarily gender-specific, it is important to recognize which type of intervention your partner may need, in order to increase emotional intimacy.
        “Emotional support occupies a central position in most contemporary theories of close relationships.” (Burleson, 2003) People seem to respond better when their partner is willing to really listen and show love, rather than just try to fix the situation. Take this moment to reflect on your own life.

            To which method do you respond best?

            Do you prefer your partner to try and fix the situation or to just listen?

Your response may change depending on the situation, and that’s perfectly fine! Sometimes we are looking for advice, and sometimes we just want someone to make us feel heard and validated. It is important to understand which your partner needs, and respond accordingly.

Challenge:

This week’s challenge is to help you and your partner develop emotional intimacy. When your partner comes to you with a problem, you are going to ask:

 “Do you need advice or someone to just listen to you?”

Write down how this goes in a journal or notebook. Take note of how your relationship with your partner changes.

Do you feel closer?

Does your spouse feel happier?

 If you already ask this, great! Write down when it happens and how it affects your relationship with your partner. We will follow up with you next week.

Next Time…

Next week we will focus on self-esteem. We will explain how boosting your own self-esteem will actually improve your relationship with your spouse. Thank you for joining us, and have a great week!

References

Burleson, B. R. (2003). The experience and effects of emotional support: What the study of cultural and gender differences can tell us about close relationships, emotion, and interpersonal communication. Personal Relationships, 10(1), 1–23. https://doi.org/10.1111/1475-6811.00033

Overall, N. C., & McNulty, J. K. (2017). What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships? Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 1-5. https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002

Segal, J., Smith, M., Robinson, L., & Boose, G. (2021, April 27). Nonverbal Communication and Body Language. HelpGuide.org. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/nonverbal-communication.htm.