Lesson 2: Conflict Resolution

 

Lesson 2: Conflict Resolution

 Follow Up

In the last lesson we focused on how important communication is in a relationship.  We did a couple of activities to help facilitate conversation and help you to focus on HOW you are communicating with your partner. We want you to take a second and reflect on how that second activity is going. Are you noticing any negative patterns in you and your partner’s daily interactions? These are good things to notice! If you haven’t yet started keeping a log of your interactions, we encourage you to start now. The first step to resolving communication problems is acknowledging that they are there in the first place. Next week we will do a final follow up of how the 10 days went and what the next steps are.

This Week’s Lesson

This lesson we will add onto the topic of communication but go a little deeper into how we can successfully resolve conflict in our relationships.  Arguments can actually be a good thing!

Conflict is common in intimate couples and can be a sign of a healthy relationship while utter lack of disagreement may signal trouble (Gottman et al. 2000; Gottman et al. 1998; Stanley, Bradbury, and Markman 2000). A powerful claim has emerged from researchers that “a lasting marriage results from a couple’s ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship” (Gottman 1994b, 28).

            Everyone should fight in a relationship!  Conflict is normal in a relationship.  Below is a video clip from research done at the University of Washington.  If a couple can reconnect positively after an argument, they will be successful in their relationship (Holmes, 2019).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoYFRgNXIoI&t=2s

        It is completely normal and part of life to disagree.  We are all different and come from different backgrounds and experiences that have molded our opinions and values.  Just because we disagree and argue does not mean that we can’t do it in a manageable way though.  We need to resolve conflict in a positive way and reassure our partners that we aren’t going anywhere just because we disagree.

        The first thing to do when conflict arises in a relationship is to turn toward each other and not avoid the confrontation.  The next step is to keep things positive. Positivity can help both you and your partner feel more loved, appreciated, and heard.

Application:

What are some ways we can keep things positive in our relationship?

How can positivity help when faced with conflict?

Share your thoughts with your partner. 

Collaborate to determine where your relationship could benefit from more positivity!

    “Conflicts can be opportunities for learning more and increasing intimacy” (Wiley, 2007). 

Reflect: 

Can you think of a time that conflict left you feeling closer and more intimate with your partner? What were the circumstances? How did you both handle the conflict?

“Conflicts are normal, but unhealthy relationship patterns sometimes emerge in conflict situations including escalation, withdrawal, negative interpretations, and putdowns” (Gottman 1994). “Each occasionally occurs in healthy relationships, but when they become the norm, couples should be encouraged to seek professional support. In education and prevention work, practitioners must be careful not to slide down the slippery slope from education and prevention to full-blown clinical/ therapeutic intervention” (Doherty 1995).

Conflict Pattern

           There are four different conflict patterns according to Dr. Wiley.  They are escalation, avoidance

 and withdrawal, negative interpretations, and put downs. 

            When escalation in an argument happens, feelings get heated and things get out of control quickly. This occurs when couples trade negative, hurtful responses back and forth, with each comment becoming more negative than the last and partners becoming defensive.   

Reflection: 

        Do you find that escalation is common in your relationship?

        It is easy to always try to get the last word, but is it necessary?

        “Learning to de-escalate is critical for the happiness and stability of relationships (Gottman et al. 1998). There are several de-escalating strategies, including simply softening the tone voice, empathizing with the partner’s point of view, engaging in self-soothing, and using a cooling off period or “time-out” (Wiley, 2007). 

            Avoidance or withdrawal happens in a relationship when one partner becomes unwilling to communicate and face the problem.  To prevent this from happening in a relationship, both partners must meet in the middle.  The person willing to face the issue may need to back off for a while and let the other person calm down.  The withdrawn partner may need to swallow their pride and get out of their comfort zone to have the hard conversations.  Both partners need to make the interactions positive (Wiley, 2007). 

            Negative interpretations happen when partners believe the worst about each other instead of the best.  Instead of focusing on the negative, try to come up with a positive reason why they did what they did. “For example, instead of, “You did not take out the trash because you want to make me angry,” Jim might say to his wife, Peg, “I am sure you didn’t take out the trash because you thought I might have more to add to the can.” (Wiley, 2007).

            “Contemptuous put-downs are destructive to emotional connection and are linked to the failure of relationships” (Gottman et al. 1998). “Couples can avoid this by taking a moment to calm down and think, and trying to reframe the situation before they allow themselves to say things they may later regret” (Wiley, 2018).

The Four Horsemen

            Dr. John Gottman’s “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are divorce predictors. In his research on marriages, he asked two questions: 1) What makes for a satisfying marriage?  2) What predicts divorce? He found that not all negatives are alike.  Four of them stood out as being the most destructive and biggest predictors of divorce and separation.  Gottman dubbed these, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling (Gottman, 2018).

Activity

            Think of the last five or six times you have been in conflict with your partner. Would the same fight have occurred or hurt so much with a casual acquaintance? How can you refocus perspective and energy to work things out together? This week we would like you to think of a conflict you are facing right now and fill out the attached worksheets on “Conflict Resolution”. Use the tips and tricks at the end to see if you can work through some conflicts with your partner in a more effective manner this week. 

What differences do you notice?

Next Time…

In the next lesson we will focus on communication and intimacy.  We will discuss how communication plays a huge part in your relationship and how intimacy can be improved by working on our communication skills.

Doherty, W.J. 1995. Boundaries between parent and family education and family therapy. Family Relations 44:353-358.

Gottman, J.M. 1993. The roles of conflict engagement, escalation, and avoidance in marital interaction: A longitudinal view of five types of couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 61(1):6-15.

Gottman, J.M. 1994b. Why marriages succeed or fail. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Gottman, J.M., S. Carrere, C. Swanson and J. Coan. 2000. Reply to “From basic research to intervention.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 62(1):265-273.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group Ltd.

Stanley, S., T. Bradbury, and H. Markman. 2000. Structural flaws in the bridge from basic research on marriage to intervention for couples. Journal of Marriage and the Family 62(1):256-264.

Wiley, A. R. (2018, May 31). Connecting as a couple: Communication skills for healthy relationships. The Forum Journal. https://www.theforumjournal.org/2007/03/03/connecting-as-a-couple-communication-skills-for-healthy-relationships/.